Yesterday

Was a bummer. I was supposed to go over to Sarah's and hang out with her, Andrew, and Dillon. But of course Sarah at the last minute was like, "I think I'm sick; I need to do this and that..blah blah.." AND SHE WAS THE ONE THAT TOLD ME NOT TO MAKE ANY FUCKING PLANS! So then I tried going to the park with Andrew..his mom said no..so then my older sister Tracy invited me to come over to her house and enjoy the fire pit. But mah made a big deal out of it..so I didn't get to go..):
At that point I just gave up on trying something to do so I made my way over to Nana's. Sarah called while I was over and was like "Sooo we're hanging out tomorrow." This morning I text her..she's with someone else. This is the SECOND time she's done something like this..and made me look like and ass. I'm done for real this time.

Now I could care less if I don't have any friends anymore. I've survived before without a social life or any friends. I'm independent and I don't rely on anyone but myself. I'm not stupid..relying on others for happiness only leaves you hurt.

And I'm done with feeling..and being hurt.
I hate having a big heart.

FML for real..

Ugh now I see how it fucking is..FUCKKKKKKK! I'M SO TIRED OF GETTING FUCKED OVER! So then I burn the bridge of connections with the son of a bitch that fucked me over..then I get lonely and come crawling back only to realize I've been fucked over twice. Fuck this shit that I call life. I am DONE with trying to play these games.

Well Now I Have Proof

Now I'm pretty damn sure that God loves to jizz in my eye. And now I'm fucking sure that there are creeps out there on the internet..UGH. Thank fucking Allah it's going to be Friday tomorrow. I can't stand school much longer. I need a fucking break from all this pressure that keeps weighting down on me. Mom's always nagging, saying, "You're priorities right now are to focus on school and get good grades so you can get into a good college. Don't you want that?"
OF COURSE I FUCKING WANT IT! It's the only goddamn way that I'll be able to get farrr away from you. Then there's Daddy putting pressure on me to be the good kid, the one who's got her head screwed on right and who's going to do something great. I love Daddy but I don't know if he realizes how much pressure I put on MYSELF so I can feel like I meet the minimum of his standards. And what really gets me is that I think he only wants me to come over every Saturday just so he can feel less lonely..not to see me. Then there's always the issue that when I'm on the phone with him I'm always the one who says, "I love you" first.
I try so fucking hard.
Plus I'm trying to quit smoking..which is hard but sometimes it's scary when I realize that there's something not normal about the way I'm thinking or acting. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy and I'll just be talking to myself inside of my head trying to calm myself down. I'm probably not going to live past 40 but on the bright side I've lived my life the way I wanted and I've had fun. I don't regret anything I've done in my life. EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

Mmk

So..this is my first blog post. Who knows how long I'll keep this up before I forget about it come back to it and then start writing again..as I tend to do a lot. Anywhore..today I FINALLY finished my neckwarmer and I have to say it looks fabulousss! Mah says she wants one too but claims I'll take a year to finish it..which isn't true. I'm looking forward to getting some new yarn to make a tank top..but I've totaled the amount and it's going to be about $45 to get the finished product. ALSO I get to see my awesome uncle Stann this weekend! Gah I've missed him so much! He always seems happy to see me too. And what's pretty cool is that if I help pay Sarah with gas and she has enough days off for work one weekend that works we'll be able to take a ROAD-TRIP!!! I'm pumped for summer(: